Food Addiction and Me : Part II

No wonder it has been 2 weeks since I am living with the knowledge that there is help nearby and I am doing nothing to receive it. I found out that there is a support group near me, which was very unbelievable discovery in the beginning. I felt like, finally, I am going to start a new chapter in my life. I will be able to move on from this constant hogging. But no, somehow it is very difficult to go there.

I guess just accepting that I have a problem isn't enough. It should be as simple as, cover yourself up, order an Uber and reach there, so why am I not able to make it. To be honest, I don't have a super insightful punch to drop in here. I am in dark. I just cannot and I am not able to. I am spiraling.

Eating makes everything better, otherwise all of it is crawling under my skin. When I am not eating I can't deal with the fact that I am alive. After I have stuffed and traumatized my elbow, jaw, esophagus, and what not, I am too guilty to live. I am scared that they will make me stop eating.

The thing that is amazing me the most is somehow my brain is using this fact, that I am a food addict, as an excuse to eat more. I mean what is wrong with my wiring. I should be more disciplined and strict with myself, instead I am letting myself go. I am talking no bumps or breaks, whatsoever. 

I have been told that I am being too hard on myself. I should cut myself some slack. But me comprehends all this as : its OK, eat as much as you want, you are dealing with a lot. 

Food Addiction and Me : Part I

Food Addiction and Me - Part I

I want to write when I thinking of beginning and not when I am 100 pounds lighter.

These days we are talking a lot about eating habits, and ‘we’ includes my sister and my mom. Its not these days only, basically that’s the thing that doesn’t adhere the “everything changes” rule of universe. We all collectively have reached to a conclusion that first we need to figure this out psychologically.

Turns out I am the worst food addict in the group. Yes, food addiction is real. Its not a myth; like thyroid dysfunction and malnourished fat people, *chuckles*. Its when you can’t function like any other addictive habit. All that is keeping you alive is your desire to eat. While eating I am thinking about how good next meal should be. While eating my current meal, I am angry at myself when I can’t shove more food down my throat. There’s a general procedure to get rid of over-eating, which is, when you feel full take a break for 10 minutes before you eat more. Oh, I take a long break of 30 minutes so that the layers settle in and I can eat more, and I do eat it. My rock bottom till now (fingers crossed) was, I ate so much and for so long that my jaws started hurting from all the chewing, and my wrists and elbows started cramping from transporting food from everywhere possible to my mouth.

This is a regular funny occurrence, I had a full meal of 3 rotis with dal and bhindi. I was hungry again, and ready for the next meal within 41 minutes. No matter, where I am, what I am doing, who is around me, this hunger keeps me alive. When I am thinking of cutting back on calories I just forget how to look forward towards something in future.

It’s a battle. I am sharing this now, because I don’t want to forget what I am fighting with. I am sharing this so that the path taken doesn’t fade away when the bridges get burnt. I hope they do. This thought of one day at a time is positive, but scary as hell.