Restriction

So tell me, someone who is down the straightest path possible, a foolish lost person, a robot having zero connections with their insides the best kid?

Restriction is the correct way of living, until its not.

When we just start making sense of world, by then, we are already conditioned with a long list of protocols. To make a small person, civilized, I am definitely not against that idea. Teach them how to be better, but don't just shut every idea in their mind. Don't tell them that their sole purpose of existence is to make their creators not ashamed of them. Too harsh! Sorry, I know I need to dial it down.

I cannot count the number of times when I said that I don't want to do something and I was told that mind is a misguided reckless horse and you need to reign it at all times and never let it be free. 

• You want to do something in school, restrict and don't indulge in mischief, because that's what bad kids do. 
• You want to be creative at home, restrict because you don't want to be messy kid who needs to be set right. 
• You want something, restrict yourself from asking for it, because you don't want to be those bad mannered kids who throw themselves on the shop floor and cry their lungs out. They are a shame to their parents. 
• You want something which kids your age are bringing, restrict because you should be grateful for having things you already have, as your parent didn't even have those. 
• You want some cosmetic, like nail color or lip color, restrict because that's what fashionista girls do, not the studious good girls. Not to mention the culture part. 
• You are falling in love with someone, restrict and fall in love with opposite sex only and while you are at it check if all the caste religion mandates are in place. And it would be so much better if you restrict yourself from thinking about love, etc, because your parents will find someone for you when they think you are good to go.
• You want to be tired and not do something, you cannot, because you don't want to be loser. 
• You want to step out of the house for a while, make sure you wear something that is displayable but don't be modern. Stick to cultural roots.
• You want to learn to cook, you shouldn't because that is a skill for skill less. 
• You resort to eating outside food, then restrict and arrange for healthy home made food, because there is nothing like it. 
• You are eating too much, you are eating too less. 
• You want a dress, then you should first get that body, so restrict yourself and get into "desirable" shape.
• Now you are marriageable age, restrict from dreaming too much, switch on the soap opera mode, be happy about marriage and new life. Yay, exciting!

Restrict and live a happy, pre defined, calculated life, because that's the only way to do it, no wait, correct way to do it. Restriction is good, discipline is good, the kid who breathes as per parents permission is good. Wow there are only so little ways to be in the good category, and so many people. And that is the only category you need to be longing for, struggling to be in, or you might as well be in junkyard. Every aspect of life should be very calculated, pre-defined and restricted within acceptable bounds. Because you know, be happy, don't "restrict too much", because your parents are struggling day and night to provide. The least they can expect is a happy kid, according to their convenience.

Restriction is good, until it becomes a mental disorder and the person feels remorse for doing something they want, as menial as listening to a song which they like. Restriction is glamourized, hence the diet culture, so insidiously weaved in the system. The remains of the person are incapable of making any choice. A person who fails to look inside. A person who cannot breathe without validation from others. A person who sits on the pedestal at all times, and will break but cannot come down. They say that child artists have it difficult, I say a lot of us do, but our suffering isn't documented and released in million dollar movies. But thank you to those, who chose to speak about it, I really thank them because as the world goes they gave us the voice. The icons, the artists, made us feel that it is not ok to keep living like this, there are invisible chains, we cannot see them, but they are hurting more than just physically. Thank you, to all the people for stripping vulnerable in front of gazillion people, they shared their stories otherwise who is going to read this. No one would have known. 

Few 'Happily Ever Afters' Ago

I am kind of starting to understand why people miss their school days.

When I left school I was so glad that it was finally over. I couldn’t wait for it to finally be over. I was excited and looking forward to things and events that were to occur in my life. Now that the school is over, I can finally be rich, I can finally fall madly in love and finally live happily ever after. Apparently, being underage was the only thing that was keeping me from all the success that was already mine. And that hiccup is taken care of, I could not wait to live my life. Obviously, money, and being madly in love were the only things that define the status of a person, how they will be looked up by the society. And how you are looked upon, and if you are deeply respected or not are the only things that matter.

Something irrelevant to the topic : I stopped writing blogs at all for a lot of years because someone very close to me at that time pointed out tons of grammatical mistakes in my work. My brain decided to stop for two reasons,

1. one, it is futile to do anything if you aren't excellent at it, and

2. two, it is shameful to make so many mistakes. Hence, the sane choice is to leave it.

Back to the topic, I went to college because it was the first step, and the first step is everything that mattered. Guess what, I did not land on the right foot then. People kept telling me that its ok, nothing is do or die. To me they were all mediocre, rather failures who did not achieve anything worthwhile and therefore they are just convincing themselves to stay alive, which according to me was a very pointless effort. Me, I am a fighter, if I did not get it my way and I will die. All this exhilarating energy made me sick. I have no capacity for adjustment, bye bye love life of my dreams. My belief does not have something like "second chances and trying" in its catalogue. I am too high and mighty to try something again, bye bye successful career with money. My beliefs, made me sick mentally and physically. Failing a few relationships and job opportunities, snatched me of the hope. Hope, that I will have a great life. Amidst all this I went back to school for some random reason, and I walked the same pavement which we used to all the time, back in school days. That pavement reminded me of the hope and vision I used to have. That was very nostalgic, it filled my heart, I smiled for no reason. My heart was so full and then I realized that this is what people miss about childhood and school days.

I am a person who lives in the past. Not the good one. I am very disconnected to my present and my reality. I am so worried and so jealous all the time. I keep regretting the things that I couldn't do and resenting the ones that weren't done for me. I don't know how to be happy. Happiness doesn't come easy to me. Everything seems stupid and meaningless. God! How I, long for genuine laughter, if I ever get one, then I can feel some untouched muscles moving in me. I want to do big things, I am not sure if they are truly my dreams, or my programming code asking me to be great at any cost. What is it? I am unsure of my dreams, I am too tired to try, I am jealous of the ones getting what is the ideal definition of success. Anyways, coming back to the title, in short, I was happy few happily ever afters' ago and now I don't know what I should be feeling.

Everyone fails relationships, everyone fails somewhere in their lives, is everyone just pretending to be the way they are and living pretend happy lives, am I failing at pretending too?

Body Image Issues

Image is a visual representation of something or somebody, says Google. So if its just a visual representation then what is this whole chaos about?

There is this image of beauty for girls which had following attributes:

1. Lean body
2. Good Height, like more than 5 feet 5 inches
3. Highly defined curves 
4. Fair to white skin color 
5. Pointy nose 
6. Long luscious hair 
7. Fullness in lips 
8. Desired amount of bulge in chest and buttocks (desired is equal to very well defined range, beyond and below which is unacceptable)
9. and many more, trying to remember them is making me anxious, ha ha

We were shown this image, constantly, to an extent that we forgot everything else. Diversity in bodies became a sham. And everything started being either beautiful or ugly. There was no gray area, only white and black. The progression of this notion obviously lead to separation based on superiority and inferiority. If someone would say that this girl is beautiful then our minds will already create this perfect image. So, only one perception became absolute definition of beautiful, similar to how only one person can score first rank in class.

Girls started thinking that this is the goal, this is where we should be in order to be desirable. These notions, stealthily became part of the very beginning of thoughts in female children. Now, the scene is, as soon as the girl starts reaching teenage, the older woman do not hesitate for a second to say something like, 'who will marry her, she is fat and dark skinned'. And in their minds they think that it is for girls' own benefit. They do not realize how inappropriate that is, not even for a second.

A child with growing mind, who hasn't started understanding the biases very well, start hating themselves. They start thinking that there is something wrong with them. In this tender age, they learn to stand in front of the mirror and see flaws in themselves, curse themselves for those flaws, and hate their body in and out. They learn to defy everything good in them, because no one will marry them because of their imperfections. Let me remind you, these are so small children, that they don't understand the concept of marriage. All they know is they will get to wear beautiful dresses, and there will be a feast. But they are sad thinking that how will they look. 

It gets so woven in their fiber that they stop seeing themselves anymore. When a person stands in the front of mirror, there should be exact replica of them in the mirror, that phenomenon stops happening. From the image that is formed on retina, to the processing of visual image by brain, a lot of angles change. The girl only sees fat hanging from here and there, and frizzes in the hair. There might be vertebrae spikes stretching her skin when she bends, but she will see fat. There might be perfect curves, she will see something wrong with the breast. That part of her body, which is nice, becomes invisible, it is a void in the mirror. She will not look at it, much like a child scoring 98 and getting a look of despair for not scoring a perfect 100. 

Body image issues are not something that you just see in the mirror, its what looks back at you from the back of the mirror. Its the voice that describes, how you look. Its the constant comparison of you with that perfect image of beauty. Its the urge to kill your desires to wear an attire, because your body is not made for it. Its when a baby girl asks for a dress on mannequin, and mother tells her to first attain that shape. It is when that baby girl grows up to wear only oversized clothes, so that her body is hidden in them. 

PS : Body image issue is socially acceptable and appreciated mental disorder. It is absolutely right to be in a state of constant guilt to not be born a certain way and threatening your life to fix your body. 

Just A Thought

Shout out to all those who have received getting thin advice from a strange passer-by! And another one to those who wake up with aching bones,

Sometimes I wish that I wouldn't get hungry. And my wish is granted, because I never leave room for myself to be hungry.

There are good and bad days. Sometimes I have complete idea about what's going on. And most of the times I have no idea about my existence, as in when I look into the mirror I cannot recognize myself as a human being. I don't feel connected with what I am looking at.

But I am going to hang in, because I am curious to know whether this all will end in my favor or otherwise.

Never Should Have Been Scared!

I was a kid, who was a project that needed fixing all the time. And no-one was subtle about it. I knew it very clearly that something is not right with me and it is stressful for everyone around me. Once again, there was nothing subtle about it. 

I was left behind in school when I was around 10 years old. After the last school bell, I somehow missed my bus to home. There was some time change, I don't remember clearly why I missed it. So I was left behind and I kept pacing back and forth not knowing what to do. I did not see any known uncle or aunty that day. Everyone started leaving and the field started becoming empty. I started getting more and more scared. I wasn't scared of the ghost stories in haunted schools. I was scared that I will have to live on my own now. I was scared how will I eat and sleep. I was devising plans to be on my own from that point onwards.

I wasn't sure that anyone would come to search me. I was sure that if I am lost then its a good riddance for them, because I am a nuisance. When a child is told that they are not wanted because of something that is totally dependent on DNA, they don't have the mental capacity to understand that this is their family's way of showing love and concern. The child will start over compensating to fulfil the voids that is created due to their defects. The child will always try to do more than expected and thrash their own selves if they aren't able to match that up. This child will not wait for anyone else to set expectations, they will burden themselves with unbeatable goals. They will do this because, they want to prove that despite their shortcomings they are still better than everyone else. They will let everyone walk over them because they think that they deserve it. They will find ways to numb their own mind because,

1. They don't believe that they are allowed to have a voice
2. They don't believe they deserve to ask for things
3. They want to drown the searing pain, which they think they don't deserve to feel
4. They want to suppress any negative emotion, as they think they are not allowed to complain because everyone loves them so much and they are the ones with defects 

My school principal offered me mobile phone to call my home, I was scared to do that because I was scared of getting scolded. I was scared because by using the phone I was wasting the phone money. When my father finally arrived, I was in tears, which was made fun of but I was thanking him from inside for coming. My grandmother hugged me and told me she was very worried. I don't remember any strong reaction from anyone else. My father told me that when he saw that I did not step out of school bus, he got worried. I felt angry with myself. I was angry that I had them worried, and I was not careful enough to board the bus and come home.

PS : I am not even sure, if this memory is right. I was definitely left in school, that's for sure. I sometimes feel that I create memories to feel victimized.

A Normal Day, or Was it?

I met my Zumba trainer, she is a dancer, brilliant performer and creator. Actually I used to attend her class around 5 years ago and then we just didn't lose touch. We decided to hang out one day, for the first time. I was not sure how it would go and what to expect. It was a big thing for me, that somebody is excited to meet me. It is out of box thinking for me. Ha ha

We discussed about a ton of things. Its been long since I had a discussion like that with anyone. There was no time constraint, we didn't have to part at such and such time, or any barriers around the thoughts. It was very fulfilling. Then I went to meet my another friend on that very same day. She was with her sister. 

On one hand, we were talking about performing activism, body image, self worth, boundaries, respect for thoughts and how to spread self love, etc and then there is this girl in her pre-tweens right in front of me calculating her self worth in the parameters of how boys look at her, how much they spend on her, how expensive things she has and how she is able to fool her guardians. Now I am not judging her by her looks and clothes. I know her more than that. Its not that I was jealous of her, or feeling like I was missing out on something. Ok, I am not going to lie I felt both the things for first 15 minutes. But overall I felt deeply hurt to see someone who is so lonely and to fill that void is going any heights. That's what we all do, find ways to fill the missing blank.

Actually I have no good way of ending this blog, I was just a spectator there. I felt a ton of things. I am writing those feelings but how does it help her? Does she even need help? What can I do for somebody who is in her place?

Then there is my trainer, she invited me to collaborate with her to build an art piece, that will speak about what we are going through. This all happened on the same day. It is a very big thing for me that she considered me. I never saw that coming, I did not expect that day to go like that.

That day I could see within me, who I was and where I am now. The middle parts are blurry, now I am just curious to know what happened with me. I know I am here and I was there, what about in between!

PS : I am all confused 

Standing Up On My Own Two Feet!

She fights a battle, she wins everyday because she woke up next morning

She loses every morning because she has to fight the same battle all over again

The day I realized that I was a human being too, I remember her telling me to never get married and be self-dependent. I said Ok, Understood. 

This happened everyday, suicide ideations weren't a big deal for me. They were part of daily conversation, something like "rather than living in these conditions its better I die". Hmm. She is right, it is better to be not living at all than to keep fighting. I was a very small child and my mind did not know any better. All it saw was, there is a problem and there is a solution. So, what's wrong with that? 

I never questioned this solution, up until somebody came very near to executing the solution. There was shock and chaos all over the place, but not in my mind. I pretended to be shocked but I wasn't. Because according to me it was a fair choice. People recovered from that incident, battles remained the same, I didn't see any major changes being made around me.

So, I have grown up in an environment where making your parents proud BY best ranks, marks, college, highly paid job, amazing marriage, and having children is the only thing to strive for, and apparently good manners. And it is one sided, strictly. Because parents have already done so much for you and now you have to "prove" yourself. Its a classic pyramid scheme, you expect mountains from your children and then those children have children of their own and then they expect from them because they have already Done Enough.

I decided to ditch this hierarchical structure, and stand up on my own two feet and find my own way. I did not know that this was the worst sin of all. Ha ha. Now when I say that I have nobody to look up to, who is happily married, why would I knowingly do something that will make me miserable. To that, I am told "why will you experience that, you will have a happy life, its not like that anymore."

PS : What happened to the lessons like 

1. Learning from others mistakes
2. Obeying your parents as a child 
3. Be independent 

You know what happened yesterday

They say talk to your friends.

Disclaimer : This is not about every friend ever, but most of them, but again, not all of them 

Or is it?

No its not!

So, when you talk to a friend, could be anyone, classmate, colleague, siblings, anyone else from family and they ask you how are you, what exactly do you do? My reflex is to take a pause, gather my scattered thoughts and tell the person how actually am I. My question is, is there any rule around the time you should take to answer this question? I feel I take too much time, because by the time I collect, process, frame sentence and connect back to reality to speak, topic has changed and the conversation has taken some other shape. 

So why is that no one wants to wait after they have asked that opening question. Is there a protocol that it should be answered in a certain way only, because I like to be honest with my peers sometimes. But that is too old fashioned I guess, or it was never a thing. So in case, this whole thing that I am talking about, if it is getting too vague, let me rephrase it, in points :

1. People ask "how have you been", "how are you"
2. They just expect you to say one word, "good", "nice", "eh", etc
3. No one has the patience to wait for the next word
4. If you say something beyond that one word, people just start conversation with whatever they have in mind, like "you know what happened yesterday"
5. If you are the one who asked this question about someone's wellbeing, and if you are waiting beyond one word, then the conversation gets awkward and there is dead air

Are we really in that much hurry, running out of time, or is it just that people avoid conversation that have a possibility of getting uncomfortable. So much for being social animals.

Hammered In My Mind

Be unique, be above everyone else, outshine everyone, never leave the room without impressing everyone, always be the first to ask questions and at the same time be the first to answer too. Your name should be on the top of all (good) lists, oh yes, that blows up in face real-quick. We will be happy only when your name appears in the newspapers after board exams, and your picture is asked by every coaching after competitive exams. Ace every test, be a topper. Don't be fat, be beatiful, take care of skin and hair, be stylish, yet not too stylish. Be enough stylish that people can say that you are beauty with brains. Workout, so you don't look dead. But don't waste too much time on that, do it for 40 minutes, forty first minute will be a waste if you spend it on the same task. Have a schedule, follow that, everyone has 24 hours, its not like toppers have more hours in their day. And yes, in case you thought, let me confirm, yes, opposite of beautiful is fat and there is ONLY one type of beautiful. 

And then my mother asks, why can't you be your age, why can't you enjoy life. First of all am I allowed to? And what is my age exactly? Am I not supposed to just keep hustling out of guilt and shame, that how I am not doing enough. Should I not just be feeling bad all the time for not being on the top. Do I have the time to live and enjoy? Is it even appropriate?

There is a disclaimer that I want to shout. I am not giving any parenting advices. I am not commenting on everyones parenting techniques. There is nothing generalized here, it is pretty much about me and people related to me. I hate them, and it is nobodys problem, its mine and only my issue. 

And yes, it is a great advice to "leave it". When the greatest and most used solution is to leave it then why is it so bad to "leave" life or "leave" your parents to suffer in their old age and in their need. What is so bad about it, I did what everyone is telling me to do from the beginning of the time "leave it". Left all of it, demons still reside in, to that what do you have to say, let me take a guess, do you want to say :

1. Happens to everyone, snap out of it, you are not the only one
2. They did it out of love, and for your own good

Right from the time we are born it is hammered in our brain, it is made sure that those nails don't budge, that unless you are falling under certain categories you are of no use to anybody. Existing is meaningless, without certain tags.

PS : People have died screaming for help, nobody listens, and then they say that this was sudden. 

I say No No No!

For no reason this is "THE", motto of everyone who has dependents depending on them for anything.

Why is that the parents just go ahead and say no, and thats the end of discussion. Let me tell you something parents, it is hella annoying and no kid in the world can understand that this is for their own benefit. No six year old can reason this, and honestly they move on quick, so it doesn't matter uptil a point. Obviously, it is not good to serve evrything on a silver platter for them, but after a certain point do parents even know why they are saying no. Or does it become a regular involutary vocal chord reflex.

After a certain age, they will start understanding, so will it hurt to have discussion and tell them the reason behind that denial. Without even trying to understand their point of view, well, guess what children are people too with their own thoughts and mind. Huh! Thats news. If you never talk to them, make them comfortable with difficult discussions and feelings. Maximum children try to hide from their parents if they mess up, and I wonder why that is, hmm. Because you never made them feel that they can come upto you. Doesn't matter if the reason shameful for you, inability to afford, your irrational fears, or true fear and concerns, bring it on the table. 

Children feel they always have to prove themselves and if they are slacking then they don't deserve your support. Geez! people dont have their shit together and decide to bring more people in the world. I wonder how it works. Just because you want someopne to take care of you when you are old and you want the sense of purpose and fulfilment, to that I say NO.

PS : Do you like the power of changing the course of someoné's life, do you like to be in control, do you want to be the one who is scares everyone and you think you are respected very much, well POWER GAME changes. Just saying. 

Never Be Enough, Never, Never!

 So....., yes, everything I write is going to begin like this, may be, may be not.

So back to topic, I did my schooling from a very elite school in the city. Reasons it was elite was because, it had a huge building, it had a brick kind of textured walls with white ouline and red paint. Yeah, thats how elite it was. We were strictly, not allowed top speak in HIndi and everything we did was just not enough.

Came out of the school, came out of college too and still I was nothing because I hadn't done enough, wandered in the job market, landed a few job, couldn't sustain because I was not enough. I was too sensitive, not cut-throat enough, not bitch enough to dehumanize myself to cater to the needs of the organization. And somehow, I wasn't qualified enough to get a job where I will get respect and not treated like a human machine who is supposed to compete and slice everyone. And be on the top! (In my mind I am shouting it like tawwwwppppp). I mean aren't we all working for same org, reaching same targets, have same goal, why do we have to kill each other here. 

So I gave up every job, started afresh, got admitted in a college, enrolled myself for a course that was among the top 10 skills on google, and I enrolled for full-time classroom program in reputed private college. Reason for full time course because correspondence course is just not a match, its just blah, whereas, in classroom course, pay years worth of fees for few months and then, sit in the class to view videos live and then let me list me down:

1. If you don't have enough theoritical knowledge, you won't understand the working, the logic
2. If you spend time studying that, then real world doesn't care about theories, its about how much work you can do practically, who cares about theory, no one, world is result driven
3. If you are doing hands-on then you are not doing projects 
4. If you are doing projects they are not enough in number
5. If they are too many then they are redundant, which everyone is doing
6. If you do new projects, and they are too many, then they are too many, it will overkill your resume
7. If they are non real-time projects they are a waste
8. If they are not end to end project then you are no good
9. Hell you should be able to deliver the product all by yourself, thats perfectly sane ask, not too much at all
10. What is being taught in class, and you are following that, it is not enough, because as said by my HOD, a teacher can only do 30%, rest you have to take care of, because teacher can only teach so much
11. If you are leaving class after the day ends, then you will be left behind the group that is staying back and "having discussions". Should stay back, only doing what is done in class for the day is not enough
12. I am still in planning to go back and reviewing things, peole have done the revision and applied for a 1000 thousands, and already disappointed that they are not hearing back from recruiters.

I am stunned and I can feel my organs turning cold from inside when I see things running at this pace and I am like, what happened to absorbing the concepts and sitting with them for a while, so:

1. I am not good at time management
2. I should be able to control speed with a flip switch, even deceleration in vehicle takes time but in me it should be in a snap
3. I should take breaks, I should be able to just stop and relax at 1:00 and then go back to same speed at 1:15
4. My favourite, I am not using my breaks effectively, sitting means that I am just wasting my break. I should go take a walk, stretch, drink water, and do some hot yoga, that will be useful ustilisation of my break.

Because you know, "sitting won't take you anywhere".

Basically I should just jump from one task to another, then they say why are you all over the place, you are taking too much stress. What happened to laws of momentum?

PS: I just love this song, and even more when my sister sings it.

Buy it when you earn on your own!

So, I don't think anyone is strange with this phrase, "you can have it, when you grow up, you earn on your own and you can afford it."

Hmm... I want this thing now, but I can't have it because I am NOT

1. Grown Up

2. Earning on my own

3. Able to afford it

May be that's not the case with everyone, but I definitely started calculating my worth with what I can have and buy. This idea of keeping your wants in mind and keep reminding yourself of your lacking, I don't see how that is very motivating. 

When you go back to your family and say that I am in this debilitating mental condition because of my upbringing, they say that we sacrificed our lives for you and this is what you have in return. First of all, I did not ask to be born. I was literally forced into this world. Also it was you who told me to keep in mind the things I want when I am 6, like a cartoon printed pencil rather than simple one, and buy them when I am 30. You told me that I should be lacking in that one thing for so long and strive to buy that thing. In that moment I felt hurt, I felt disappointed in myself that I am so worth less that I cannot get what I want. That feeling sinks and sinks in deep. That feeling surfaces, anytime when a child is trying to ask for something, which might be absolutely necessary, but the child keeps evaluating if they should be asking. A child doesn't know how to separate wants from needs. A child just knows that as a person, they are not enough. This keeps getting stronger with time, with every blow.

Nothing is ever enough, even when the child becomes an adult, and they have fulfilled the criteria of being grown up and earning, no amount of money can afford to fulfill the years of lacking. If you want to discipline your child, in terms of how to spend money, talk to them about it, see if they are grown up enough to understand that. Don't tell them that they can go rogue, when they are by themselves, and have to sit still in your reign. 

PS: Thanks for paying my school and college fees.

But guess what its "not enough" to bring up a sane child. Ha ha

How are you?

I personally avoid this question to an extent that it vanishes from the conversation. It is too late to ask how I have been, that's the kind of talent I have when it comes to avoiding this question.

Its become a thing to say whats been going on in mind as plainly as it could be. I see people getting real fame with their truths. I have been feeling that my truths are mundane. What will I get out of it. I have been hoping for some miracle for myself like a "viral video". I am known to stray off from the topic. I dont know how to structure my thoughts. I have not written anything uptil now because its :

NOT

1. Structured enough

2. True enough

3. Interesting enough

4. Good enough

and I am also known to have lost my trail of thoughts in the middle of sentences. I propagate a lot of awareness about mental health, and speaking up your mind. I have been telling people to widen the way they think, to consider more perspectives. But what I have been doing to myself is cruelly trying to bring out the best out of me. Now at this moment I realize that I am the biggest hypocrite. I have been saying something, borderline forcing people to follow your own heart and here I am just making sure that the every word that comes out of my mouth is very articulate, modulated, beautiful and creative. My capability to write, to create is dying because I just shut up my heart, because the way it is expressing is not structured enough, it is not good enough. I have always tried to be like someone, I never allowed myself to just be, just let myself be, and be myself. 

So I don't know how am I. I don't even know who I am. 

My idea to start writing and expressing myself was to be famous and rich for who I am. I still don't know about that. We are told in school, your answers are bad/wrong because they don't have enough new words, proper grammar, and what not. My thoughts started dying because they did not fall in the category of good answer. I was scared to get scolded. That is why I stick by the rules. I just do whatever I am told and and however I am told to tell. So much for listening to your heart. Haha. Gulity as charged! I am sensitive, and to avoid my feelings from getting hurt, I don't express. 

So, there might not be an end to this, what I have written, I just read it once, I am not going to make others read this before publishing and get reviews/validations. Its just what it is.