Few 'Happily Ever Afters' Ago

I am kind of starting to understand why people miss their school days.

When I left school I was so glad that it was finally over. I couldn’t wait for it to finally be over. I was excited and looking forward to things and events that were to occur in my life. Now that the school is over, I can finally be rich, I can finally fall madly in love and finally live happily ever after. Apparently, being underage was the only thing that was keeping me from all the success that was already mine. And that hiccup is taken care of, I could not wait to live my life. Obviously, money, and being madly in love were the only things that define the status of a person, how they will be looked up by the society. And how you are looked upon, and if you are deeply respected or not are the only things that matter.

Something irrelevant to the topic : I stopped writing blogs at all for a lot of years because someone very close to me at that time pointed out tons of grammatical mistakes in my work. My brain decided to stop for two reasons,

1. one, it is futile to do anything if you aren't excellent at it, and

2. two, it is shameful to make so many mistakes. Hence, the sane choice is to leave it.

Back to the topic, I went to college because it was the first step, and the first step is everything that mattered. Guess what, I did not land on the right foot then. People kept telling me that its ok, nothing is do or die. To me they were all mediocre, rather failures who did not achieve anything worthwhile and therefore they are just convincing themselves to stay alive, which according to me was a very pointless effort. Me, I am a fighter, if I did not get it my way and I will die. All this exhilarating energy made me sick. I have no capacity for adjustment, bye bye love life of my dreams. My belief does not have something like "second chances and trying" in its catalogue. I am too high and mighty to try something again, bye bye successful career with money. My beliefs, made me sick mentally and physically. Failing a few relationships and job opportunities, snatched me of the hope. Hope, that I will have a great life. Amidst all this I went back to school for some random reason, and I walked the same pavement which we used to all the time, back in school days. That pavement reminded me of the hope and vision I used to have. That was very nostalgic, it filled my heart, I smiled for no reason. My heart was so full and then I realized that this is what people miss about childhood and school days.

I am a person who lives in the past. Not the good one. I am very disconnected to my present and my reality. I am so worried and so jealous all the time. I keep regretting the things that I couldn't do and resenting the ones that weren't done for me. I don't know how to be happy. Happiness doesn't come easy to me. Everything seems stupid and meaningless. God! How I, long for genuine laughter, if I ever get one, then I can feel some untouched muscles moving in me. I want to do big things, I am not sure if they are truly my dreams, or my programming code asking me to be great at any cost. What is it? I am unsure of my dreams, I am too tired to try, I am jealous of the ones getting what is the ideal definition of success. Anyways, coming back to the title, in short, I was happy few happily ever afters' ago and now I don't know what I should be feeling.

Everyone fails relationships, everyone fails somewhere in their lives, is everyone just pretending to be the way they are and living pretend happy lives, am I failing at pretending too?