Buy it when you earn on your own!

So, I don't think anyone is strange with this phrase, "you can have it, when you grow up, you earn on your own and you can afford it."

Hmm... I want this thing now, but I can't have it because I am NOT

1. Grown Up

2. Earning on my own

3. Able to afford it

May be that's not the case with everyone, but I definitely started calculating my worth with what I can have and buy. This idea of keeping your wants in mind and keep reminding yourself of your lacking, I don't see how that is very motivating. 

When you go back to your family and say that I am in this debilitating mental condition because of my upbringing, they say that we sacrificed our lives for you and this is what you have in return. First of all, I did not ask to be born. I was literally forced into this world. Also it was you who told me to keep in mind the things I want when I am 6, like a cartoon printed pencil rather than simple one, and buy them when I am 30. You told me that I should be lacking in that one thing for so long and strive to buy that thing. In that moment I felt hurt, I felt disappointed in myself that I am so worth less that I cannot get what I want. That feeling sinks and sinks in deep. That feeling surfaces, anytime when a child is trying to ask for something, which might be absolutely necessary, but the child keeps evaluating if they should be asking. A child doesn't know how to separate wants from needs. A child just knows that as a person, they are not enough. This keeps getting stronger with time, with every blow.

Nothing is ever enough, even when the child becomes an adult, and they have fulfilled the criteria of being grown up and earning, no amount of money can afford to fulfill the years of lacking. If you want to discipline your child, in terms of how to spend money, talk to them about it, see if they are grown up enough to understand that. Don't tell them that they can go rogue, when they are by themselves, and have to sit still in your reign. 

PS: Thanks for paying my school and college fees.

But guess what its "not enough" to bring up a sane child. Ha ha

How are you?

I personally avoid this question to an extent that it vanishes from the conversation. It is too late to ask how I have been, that's the kind of talent I have when it comes to avoiding this question.

Its become a thing to say whats been going on in mind as plainly as it could be. I see people getting real fame with their truths. I have been feeling that my truths are mundane. What will I get out of it. I have been hoping for some miracle for myself like a "viral video". I am known to stray off from the topic. I dont know how to structure my thoughts. I have not written anything uptil now because its :

NOT

1. Structured enough

2. True enough

3. Interesting enough

4. Good enough

and I am also known to have lost my trail of thoughts in the middle of sentences. I propagate a lot of awareness about mental health, and speaking up your mind. I have been telling people to widen the way they think, to consider more perspectives. But what I have been doing to myself is cruelly trying to bring out the best out of me. Now at this moment I realize that I am the biggest hypocrite. I have been saying something, borderline forcing people to follow your own heart and here I am just making sure that the every word that comes out of my mouth is very articulate, modulated, beautiful and creative. My capability to write, to create is dying because I just shut up my heart, because the way it is expressing is not structured enough, it is not good enough. I have always tried to be like someone, I never allowed myself to just be, just let myself be, and be myself. 

So I don't know how am I. I don't even know who I am. 

My idea to start writing and expressing myself was to be famous and rich for who I am. I still don't know about that. We are told in school, your answers are bad/wrong because they don't have enough new words, proper grammar, and what not. My thoughts started dying because they did not fall in the category of good answer. I was scared to get scolded. That is why I stick by the rules. I just do whatever I am told and and however I am told to tell. So much for listening to your heart. Haha. Gulity as charged! I am sensitive, and to avoid my feelings from getting hurt, I don't express. 

So, there might not be an end to this, what I have written, I just read it once, I am not going to make others read this before publishing and get reviews/validations. Its just what it is.