How are you?

I personally avoid this question to an extent that it vanishes from the conversation. It is too late to ask how I have been, that's the kind of talent I have when it comes to avoiding this question.

Its become a thing to say whats been going on in mind as plainly as it could be. I see people getting real fame with their truths. I have been feeling that my truths are mundane. What will I get out of it. I have been hoping for some miracle for myself like a "viral video". I am known to stray off from the topic. I dont know how to structure my thoughts. I have not written anything uptil now because its :

NOT

1. Structured enough

2. True enough

3. Interesting enough

4. Good enough

and I am also known to have lost my trail of thoughts in the middle of sentences. I propagate a lot of awareness about mental health, and speaking up your mind. I have been telling people to widen the way they think, to consider more perspectives. But what I have been doing to myself is cruelly trying to bring out the best out of me. Now at this moment I realize that I am the biggest hypocrite. I have been saying something, borderline forcing people to follow your own heart and here I am just making sure that the every word that comes out of my mouth is very articulate, modulated, beautiful and creative. My capability to write, to create is dying because I just shut up my heart, because the way it is expressing is not structured enough, it is not good enough. I have always tried to be like someone, I never allowed myself to just be, just let myself be, and be myself. 

So I don't know how am I. I don't even know who I am. 

My idea to start writing and expressing myself was to be famous and rich for who I am. I still don't know about that. We are told in school, your answers are bad/wrong because they don't have enough new words, proper grammar, and what not. My thoughts started dying because they did not fall in the category of good answer. I was scared to get scolded. That is why I stick by the rules. I just do whatever I am told and and however I am told to tell. So much for listening to your heart. Haha. Gulity as charged! I am sensitive, and to avoid my feelings from getting hurt, I don't express. 

So, there might not be an end to this, what I have written, I just read it once, I am not going to make others read this before publishing and get reviews/validations. Its just what it is.