Addiction

Honestly, I did not know until recently that there is something like high functioning anxiety, or high functioning autism. As I explored this idea more, I definitely think there is something like High Functioning Addiction. 

From what I think, High Functioning disorder is something where you suffer inside but you are not affecting the society in any way, rather contributing in its normal functionality. When your disorder isn't showing on the outer surface, and not making you an outcast.

A little more than craving

A little more than just stopping

Addiction calls from within, it calls loud. The noise is blinding. It calls in your own voice, making it truer. The logics are real. They keep getting louder and more logical. You start hating everyone who tells you against it. Either you want to be using your substance or you are planning to attain it. Its a hell hole you don't want to leave. Endless hopeless insane lingering feeling. Everything just loses meaning, nothing is of any use, or importance. There is nothing to look forward to. The guilt, the guilt of not keeping up with the world, the guilt of letting yourself slip each time, and the need of substance to overcome that guilt. The guilt and anxiety of using it again, the repercussions. The loved ones start getting blurred, their love for you fades. There is a wall, which doesn't let it in, you know that its real, its there, its for you and they are there to help you. But you want to go further behind the wall. You lose the capability to think beyond that wall, you start telling yourself that your love for others is pretentious. Then there is guilt of showing them false love. The love that once was a reality, and may be it still is, alive. Getting up ang going back to sleep, hardly surviving the day. Then there is another day, surviving each one of them, hoping that one day it doesn't have to be that way.

Then there comes the recovery. Recovery is for pussies, that's what you think, afterall that hardcore logic tells you to believe it. But it's scary, because then there is nowhere to run to. It's only you all alone with your thoughts, in your brain, with nothing to numb it down, just timid you and devil, face to face, eye to eye. 

But after a while it does get better, wall breaks down. It takes a lot of courage. You have to acknowledge the worst. I don't have an ending, I don't have a beautiful evolution story. There is hope and I think there is more to recovery too. I have been trying to define, understand, and articulate, and that doesn't seem to be happening. At this point, I don't even wish I had a happy ending, but I sure do hope that it was a little easier. I do have a, at the end of the tunnel story, the thing is I don't feel very far away from tunnel, turns out the path isn't so linear. 

I Have A Question

1. Why do I have to be like someone?
2. Why do I have to have a body like hers?
3. Why do I have to score like him?
4. Why do I have to earn like them?
5. Why do I have to, have to, get out of my comfort zone to get somewhere?
6. Why do I have to keep planning to be somewhere?
7. Why is that, whatever I am doing is just not enough, lacking something?
8. Why is that every marketing strategy is designed for 4 second attention span, but I am the one left behind because of lack of attention?
9. Why is it that people make you feel bad for things that you just have, you didn't ask for, and to begin with you didn't even know that it is a bad thing. You are born and your mind is conditioned and shaped to hate yourself and to focus on things you don't have, why?
10. Why is it that our inner self is always speaking shit to us, abusing us? How come we have to learn to not do this as skill, from the scratch?
11. Why is it that without spending yourself completely you cannot achieve anything?
12. After going through extremes, and finally achieving something, why is it all empty and void?
13. Why am I always wishing my current time away?
14. Why do I have this feeling that I haven't done enough, I haven't struggled enough, and I deserve being a failure?
15. Why is kindness one sided? When all of us are taught to be kind to each other no matter what, then how come some are allowed to forget with no consequences?
16. Why, why, why I can't be just comfortable and do something I will put my heart into?
17. Why is it obvious and acceptable, that I am miserable and "successful" or at least reaching towards so called "success" and its ok to be miserable in the process?
18. Why can't I just be?
19. Why is it that only things that destroy you inside and outside worth fighting for? Why do we have to keep fighting until we are all spent, and still keep fighting?
20. Why do I have to keep fixing myself, and keep planning ahead?
21. Why can't I just get adjusted to my present, and stay like that?
22. Why am I answerable to so many people?
23. Why do I have to respect an abuser just because they came on earth before me?
24. Why do I have to label my relationships? Why am I supposed to play a certain role, just because I identify as a certain gender?
25. Why am I scared to speak my own truth? Who weaved this fear in my fabric?

PS : I don't have any more attention span to sort my thoughts and think of something for now, so I am gonna leave it at that for now. 15th March, 2022 17:04

Be Better

I have been living with this for so long that it seems like there is no beginning, it has always been this constant feeling of guilt that I just couldn't do better. I don't have a solemn start or a recovery journey. It is just what it is. But there is a hope and there is this will to make it better. I am amazed at myself, from where does it come? I don't know. I feel like it is a different entity living inside. What is it?

I have always been a project to fix. A small little part of me is always wrong. Hell! Everything is wrong. The way I look, the way I talk, the way I sit, the way I eat and the way I suffer. I wish I could tell that little girl, that sweet little girl, that there is no use being better every moment. Don't be so scared to step out of the room. Stop walking on eggshells, and don't be afraid of the stare. The thing is I never had it together, but who did?

I would like to know who had it together, the ones who were born before me, "elders". The toppers of the class? The girl with perfect hair and body? Who has it together? Everyone has a sob story. I am told that everyone is fighting a battle. Be kind to each other, you don't know what the person is going through. When everyone around me is broken, why do I have to have it all together? I don't have anything against kindness, it's just that I would prefer it if it goes both ways. 

Why can't we just be broken goods and baggage dragging behind us? Why can't we just be who we are? Start building ourselves from there, accept ourselves. Why do we start from comparing ourselves with the best or the perfect, and measure how far we are? I have a question, when was the last time we sat down to really understand where we are, who we are. When we don't know that, then the distance between our flaws and perfection is wrong. We beat ourselves down, we ignore what we have, we just want to fix that one part, and make the fish climb the tree. Keep striving, keep cursing and keep hating ourselves.

What if this is not my fight? What if I am already my better self?