Be Better

I have been living with this for so long that it seems like there is no beginning, it has always been this constant feeling of guilt that I just couldn't do better. I don't have a solemn start or a recovery journey. It is just what it is. But there is a hope and there is this will to make it better. I am amazed at myself, from where does it come? I don't know. I feel like it is a different entity living inside. What is it?

I have always been a project to fix. A small little part of me is always wrong. Hell! Everything is wrong. The way I look, the way I talk, the way I sit, the way I eat and the way I suffer. I wish I could tell that little girl, that sweet little girl, that there is no use being better every moment. Don't be so scared to step out of the room. Stop walking on eggshells, and don't be afraid of the stare. The thing is I never had it together, but who did?

I would like to know who had it together, the ones who were born before me, "elders". The toppers of the class? The girl with perfect hair and body? Who has it together? Everyone has a sob story. I am told that everyone is fighting a battle. Be kind to each other, you don't know what the person is going through. When everyone around me is broken, why do I have to have it all together? I don't have anything against kindness, it's just that I would prefer it if it goes both ways. 

Why can't we just be broken goods and baggage dragging behind us? Why can't we just be who we are? Start building ourselves from there, accept ourselves. Why do we start from comparing ourselves with the best or the perfect, and measure how far we are? I have a question, when was the last time we sat down to really understand where we are, who we are. When we don't know that, then the distance between our flaws and perfection is wrong. We beat ourselves down, we ignore what we have, we just want to fix that one part, and make the fish climb the tree. Keep striving, keep cursing and keep hating ourselves.

What if this is not my fight? What if I am already my better self?