Addiction

Honestly, I did not know until recently that there is something like high functioning anxiety, or high functioning autism. As I explored this idea more, I definitely think there is something like High Functioning Addiction. 

From what I think, High Functioning disorder is something where you suffer inside but you are not affecting the society in any way, rather contributing in its normal functionality. When your disorder isn't showing on the outer surface, and not making you an outcast.

A little more than craving

A little more than just stopping

Addiction calls from within, it calls loud. The noise is blinding. It calls in your own voice, making it truer. The logics are real. They keep getting louder and more logical. You start hating everyone who tells you against it. Either you want to be using your substance or you are planning to attain it. Its a hell hole you don't want to leave. Endless hopeless insane lingering feeling. Everything just loses meaning, nothing is of any use, or importance. There is nothing to look forward to. The guilt, the guilt of not keeping up with the world, the guilt of letting yourself slip each time, and the need of substance to overcome that guilt. The guilt and anxiety of using it again, the repercussions. The loved ones start getting blurred, their love for you fades. There is a wall, which doesn't let it in, you know that its real, its there, its for you and they are there to help you. But you want to go further behind the wall. You lose the capability to think beyond that wall, you start telling yourself that your love for others is pretentious. Then there is guilt of showing them false love. The love that once was a reality, and may be it still is, alive. Getting up ang going back to sleep, hardly surviving the day. Then there is another day, surviving each one of them, hoping that one day it doesn't have to be that way.

Then there comes the recovery. Recovery is for pussies, that's what you think, afterall that hardcore logic tells you to believe it. But it's scary, because then there is nowhere to run to. It's only you all alone with your thoughts, in your brain, with nothing to numb it down, just timid you and devil, face to face, eye to eye. 

But after a while it does get better, wall breaks down. It takes a lot of courage. You have to acknowledge the worst. I don't have an ending, I don't have a beautiful evolution story. There is hope and I think there is more to recovery too. I have been trying to define, understand, and articulate, and that doesn't seem to be happening. At this point, I don't even wish I had a happy ending, but I sure do hope that it was a little easier. I do have a, at the end of the tunnel story, the thing is I don't feel very far away from tunnel, turns out the path isn't so linear. 

I Have A Question

1. Why do I have to be like someone?
2. Why do I have to have a body like hers?
3. Why do I have to score like him?
4. Why do I have to earn like them?
5. Why do I have to, have to, get out of my comfort zone to get somewhere?
6. Why do I have to keep planning to be somewhere?
7. Why is that, whatever I am doing is just not enough, lacking something?
8. Why is that every marketing strategy is designed for 4 second attention span, but I am the one left behind because of lack of attention?
9. Why is it that people make you feel bad for things that you just have, you didn't ask for, and to begin with you didn't even know that it is a bad thing. You are born and your mind is conditioned and shaped to hate yourself and to focus on things you don't have, why?
10. Why is it that our inner self is always speaking shit to us, abusing us? How come we have to learn to not do this as skill, from the scratch?
11. Why is it that without spending yourself completely you cannot achieve anything?
12. After going through extremes, and finally achieving something, why is it all empty and void?
13. Why am I always wishing my current time away?
14. Why do I have this feeling that I haven't done enough, I haven't struggled enough, and I deserve being a failure?
15. Why is kindness one sided? When all of us are taught to be kind to each other no matter what, then how come some are allowed to forget with no consequences?
16. Why, why, why I can't be just comfortable and do something I will put my heart into?
17. Why is it obvious and acceptable, that I am miserable and "successful" or at least reaching towards so called "success" and its ok to be miserable in the process?
18. Why can't I just be?
19. Why is it that only things that destroy you inside and outside worth fighting for? Why do we have to keep fighting until we are all spent, and still keep fighting?
20. Why do I have to keep fixing myself, and keep planning ahead?
21. Why can't I just get adjusted to my present, and stay like that?
22. Why am I answerable to so many people?
23. Why do I have to respect an abuser just because they came on earth before me?
24. Why do I have to label my relationships? Why am I supposed to play a certain role, just because I identify as a certain gender?
25. Why am I scared to speak my own truth? Who weaved this fear in my fabric?

PS : I don't have any more attention span to sort my thoughts and think of something for now, so I am gonna leave it at that for now. 15th March, 2022 17:04

Be Better

I have been living with this for so long that it seems like there is no beginning, it has always been this constant feeling of guilt that I just couldn't do better. I don't have a solemn start or a recovery journey. It is just what it is. But there is a hope and there is this will to make it better. I am amazed at myself, from where does it come? I don't know. I feel like it is a different entity living inside. What is it?

I have always been a project to fix. A small little part of me is always wrong. Hell! Everything is wrong. The way I look, the way I talk, the way I sit, the way I eat and the way I suffer. I wish I could tell that little girl, that sweet little girl, that there is no use being better every moment. Don't be so scared to step out of the room. Stop walking on eggshells, and don't be afraid of the stare. The thing is I never had it together, but who did?

I would like to know who had it together, the ones who were born before me, "elders". The toppers of the class? The girl with perfect hair and body? Who has it together? Everyone has a sob story. I am told that everyone is fighting a battle. Be kind to each other, you don't know what the person is going through. When everyone around me is broken, why do I have to have it all together? I don't have anything against kindness, it's just that I would prefer it if it goes both ways. 

Why can't we just be broken goods and baggage dragging behind us? Why can't we just be who we are? Start building ourselves from there, accept ourselves. Why do we start from comparing ourselves with the best or the perfect, and measure how far we are? I have a question, when was the last time we sat down to really understand where we are, who we are. When we don't know that, then the distance between our flaws and perfection is wrong. We beat ourselves down, we ignore what we have, we just want to fix that one part, and make the fish climb the tree. Keep striving, keep cursing and keep hating ourselves.

What if this is not my fight? What if I am already my better self? 

Restriction

So tell me, someone who is down the straightest path possible, a foolish lost person, a robot having zero connections with their insides the best kid?

Restriction is the correct way of living, until its not.

When we just start making sense of world, by then, we are already conditioned with a long list of protocols. To make a small person, civilized, I am definitely not against that idea. Teach them how to be better, but don't just shut every idea in their mind. Don't tell them that their sole purpose of existence is to make their creators not ashamed of them. Too harsh! Sorry, I know I need to dial it down.

I cannot count the number of times when I said that I don't want to do something and I was told that mind is a misguided reckless horse and you need to reign it at all times and never let it be free. 

• You want to do something in school, restrict and don't indulge in mischief, because that's what bad kids do. 
• You want to be creative at home, restrict because you don't want to be messy kid who needs to be set right. 
• You want something, restrict yourself from asking for it, because you don't want to be those bad mannered kids who throw themselves on the shop floor and cry their lungs out. They are a shame to their parents. 
• You want something which kids your age are bringing, restrict because you should be grateful for having things you already have, as your parent didn't even have those. 
• You want some cosmetic, like nail color or lip color, restrict because that's what fashionista girls do, not the studious good girls. Not to mention the culture part. 
• You are falling in love with someone, restrict and fall in love with opposite sex only and while you are at it check if all the caste religion mandates are in place. And it would be so much better if you restrict yourself from thinking about love, etc, because your parents will find someone for you when they think you are good to go.
• You want to be tired and not do something, you cannot, because you don't want to be loser. 
• You want to step out of the house for a while, make sure you wear something that is displayable but don't be modern. Stick to cultural roots.
• You want to learn to cook, you shouldn't because that is a skill for skill less. 
• You resort to eating outside food, then restrict and arrange for healthy home made food, because there is nothing like it. 
• You are eating too much, you are eating too less. 
• You want a dress, then you should first get that body, so restrict yourself and get into "desirable" shape.
• Now you are marriageable age, restrict from dreaming too much, switch on the soap opera mode, be happy about marriage and new life. Yay, exciting!

Restrict and live a happy, pre defined, calculated life, because that's the only way to do it, no wait, correct way to do it. Restriction is good, discipline is good, the kid who breathes as per parents permission is good. Wow there are only so little ways to be in the good category, and so many people. And that is the only category you need to be longing for, struggling to be in, or you might as well be in junkyard. Every aspect of life should be very calculated, pre-defined and restricted within acceptable bounds. Because you know, be happy, don't "restrict too much", because your parents are struggling day and night to provide. The least they can expect is a happy kid, according to their convenience.

Restriction is good, until it becomes a mental disorder and the person feels remorse for doing something they want, as menial as listening to a song which they like. Restriction is glamourized, hence the diet culture, so insidiously weaved in the system. The remains of the person are incapable of making any choice. A person who fails to look inside. A person who cannot breathe without validation from others. A person who sits on the pedestal at all times, and will break but cannot come down. They say that child artists have it difficult, I say a lot of us do, but our suffering isn't documented and released in million dollar movies. But thank you to those, who chose to speak about it, I really thank them because as the world goes they gave us the voice. The icons, the artists, made us feel that it is not ok to keep living like this, there are invisible chains, we cannot see them, but they are hurting more than just physically. Thank you, to all the people for stripping vulnerable in front of gazillion people, they shared their stories otherwise who is going to read this. No one would have known. 

Few 'Happily Ever Afters' Ago

I am kind of starting to understand why people miss their school days.

When I left school I was so glad that it was finally over. I couldn’t wait for it to finally be over. I was excited and looking forward to things and events that were to occur in my life. Now that the school is over, I can finally be rich, I can finally fall madly in love and finally live happily ever after. Apparently, being underage was the only thing that was keeping me from all the success that was already mine. And that hiccup is taken care of, I could not wait to live my life. Obviously, money, and being madly in love were the only things that define the status of a person, how they will be looked up by the society. And how you are looked upon, and if you are deeply respected or not are the only things that matter.

Something irrelevant to the topic : I stopped writing blogs at all for a lot of years because someone very close to me at that time pointed out tons of grammatical mistakes in my work. My brain decided to stop for two reasons,

1. one, it is futile to do anything if you aren't excellent at it, and

2. two, it is shameful to make so many mistakes. Hence, the sane choice is to leave it.

Back to the topic, I went to college because it was the first step, and the first step is everything that mattered. Guess what, I did not land on the right foot then. People kept telling me that its ok, nothing is do or die. To me they were all mediocre, rather failures who did not achieve anything worthwhile and therefore they are just convincing themselves to stay alive, which according to me was a very pointless effort. Me, I am a fighter, if I did not get it my way and I will die. All this exhilarating energy made me sick. I have no capacity for adjustment, bye bye love life of my dreams. My belief does not have something like "second chances and trying" in its catalogue. I am too high and mighty to try something again, bye bye successful career with money. My beliefs, made me sick mentally and physically. Failing a few relationships and job opportunities, snatched me of the hope. Hope, that I will have a great life. Amidst all this I went back to school for some random reason, and I walked the same pavement which we used to all the time, back in school days. That pavement reminded me of the hope and vision I used to have. That was very nostalgic, it filled my heart, I smiled for no reason. My heart was so full and then I realized that this is what people miss about childhood and school days.

I am a person who lives in the past. Not the good one. I am very disconnected to my present and my reality. I am so worried and so jealous all the time. I keep regretting the things that I couldn't do and resenting the ones that weren't done for me. I don't know how to be happy. Happiness doesn't come easy to me. Everything seems stupid and meaningless. God! How I, long for genuine laughter, if I ever get one, then I can feel some untouched muscles moving in me. I want to do big things, I am not sure if they are truly my dreams, or my programming code asking me to be great at any cost. What is it? I am unsure of my dreams, I am too tired to try, I am jealous of the ones getting what is the ideal definition of success. Anyways, coming back to the title, in short, I was happy few happily ever afters' ago and now I don't know what I should be feeling.

Everyone fails relationships, everyone fails somewhere in their lives, is everyone just pretending to be the way they are and living pretend happy lives, am I failing at pretending too?

Body Image Issues

Image is a visual representation of something or somebody, says Google. So if its just a visual representation then what is this whole chaos about?

There is this image of beauty for girls which had following attributes:

1. Lean body
2. Good Height, like more than 5 feet 5 inches
3. Highly defined curves 
4. Fair to white skin color 
5. Pointy nose 
6. Long luscious hair 
7. Fullness in lips 
8. Desired amount of bulge in chest and buttocks (desired is equal to very well defined range, beyond and below which is unacceptable)
9. and many more, trying to remember them is making me anxious, ha ha

We were shown this image, constantly, to an extent that we forgot everything else. Diversity in bodies became a sham. And everything started being either beautiful or ugly. There was no gray area, only white and black. The progression of this notion obviously lead to separation based on superiority and inferiority. If someone would say that this girl is beautiful then our minds will already create this perfect image. So, only one perception became absolute definition of beautiful, similar to how only one person can score first rank in class.

Girls started thinking that this is the goal, this is where we should be in order to be desirable. These notions, stealthily became part of the very beginning of thoughts in female children. Now, the scene is, as soon as the girl starts reaching teenage, the older woman do not hesitate for a second to say something like, 'who will marry her, she is fat and dark skinned'. And in their minds they think that it is for girls' own benefit. They do not realize how inappropriate that is, not even for a second.

A child with growing mind, who hasn't started understanding the biases very well, start hating themselves. They start thinking that there is something wrong with them. In this tender age, they learn to stand in front of the mirror and see flaws in themselves, curse themselves for those flaws, and hate their body in and out. They learn to defy everything good in them, because no one will marry them because of their imperfections. Let me remind you, these are so small children, that they don't understand the concept of marriage. All they know is they will get to wear beautiful dresses, and there will be a feast. But they are sad thinking that how will they look. 

It gets so woven in their fiber that they stop seeing themselves anymore. When a person stands in the front of mirror, there should be exact replica of them in the mirror, that phenomenon stops happening. From the image that is formed on retina, to the processing of visual image by brain, a lot of angles change. The girl only sees fat hanging from here and there, and frizzes in the hair. There might be vertebrae spikes stretching her skin when she bends, but she will see fat. There might be perfect curves, she will see something wrong with the breast. That part of her body, which is nice, becomes invisible, it is a void in the mirror. She will not look at it, much like a child scoring 98 and getting a look of despair for not scoring a perfect 100. 

Body image issues are not something that you just see in the mirror, its what looks back at you from the back of the mirror. Its the voice that describes, how you look. Its the constant comparison of you with that perfect image of beauty. Its the urge to kill your desires to wear an attire, because your body is not made for it. Its when a baby girl asks for a dress on mannequin, and mother tells her to first attain that shape. It is when that baby girl grows up to wear only oversized clothes, so that her body is hidden in them. 

PS : Body image issue is socially acceptable and appreciated mental disorder. It is absolutely right to be in a state of constant guilt to not be born a certain way and threatening your life to fix your body. 

Just A Thought

Shout out to all those who have received getting thin advice from a strange passer-by! And another one to those who wake up with aching bones,

Sometimes I wish that I wouldn't get hungry. And my wish is granted, because I never leave room for myself to be hungry.

There are good and bad days. Sometimes I have complete idea about what's going on. And most of the times I have no idea about my existence, as in when I look into the mirror I cannot recognize myself as a human being. I don't feel connected with what I am looking at.

But I am going to hang in, because I am curious to know whether this all will end in my favor or otherwise.