Never Should Have Been Scared!

I was a kid, who was a project that needed fixing all the time. And no-one was subtle about it. I knew it very clearly that something is not right with me and it is stressful for everyone around me. Once again, there was nothing subtle about it. 

I was left behind in school when I was around 10 years old. After the last school bell, I somehow missed my bus to home. There was some time change, I don't remember clearly why I missed it. So I was left behind and I kept pacing back and forth not knowing what to do. I did not see any known uncle or aunty that day. Everyone started leaving and the field started becoming empty. I started getting more and more scared. I wasn't scared of the ghost stories in haunted schools. I was scared that I will have to live on my own now. I was scared how will I eat and sleep. I was devising plans to be on my own from that point onwards.

I wasn't sure that anyone would come to search me. I was sure that if I am lost then its a good riddance for them, because I am a nuisance. When a child is told that they are not wanted because of something that is totally dependent on DNA, they don't have the mental capacity to understand that this is their family's way of showing love and concern. The child will start over compensating to fulfil the voids that is created due to their defects. The child will always try to do more than expected and thrash their own selves if they aren't able to match that up. This child will not wait for anyone else to set expectations, they will burden themselves with unbeatable goals. They will do this because, they want to prove that despite their shortcomings they are still better than everyone else. They will let everyone walk over them because they think that they deserve it. They will find ways to numb their own mind because,

1. They don't believe that they are allowed to have a voice
2. They don't believe they deserve to ask for things
3. They want to drown the searing pain, which they think they don't deserve to feel
4. They want to suppress any negative emotion, as they think they are not allowed to complain because everyone loves them so much and they are the ones with defects 

My school principal offered me mobile phone to call my home, I was scared to do that because I was scared of getting scolded. I was scared because by using the phone I was wasting the phone money. When my father finally arrived, I was in tears, which was made fun of but I was thanking him from inside for coming. My grandmother hugged me and told me she was very worried. I don't remember any strong reaction from anyone else. My father told me that when he saw that I did not step out of school bus, he got worried. I felt angry with myself. I was angry that I had them worried, and I was not careful enough to board the bus and come home.

PS : I am not even sure, if this memory is right. I was definitely left in school, that's for sure. I sometimes feel that I create memories to feel victimized.